


kamen rider AMERICA

by lazulisong



Series: vodka tuesday theatre [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Kamen Rider
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-28
Updated: 2015-01-27
Packaged: 2018-03-09 10:13:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3245819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazulisong/pseuds/lazulisong
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SO OMG YOU GUYS I  had like three days off because of this fucking flu thing going around and then I had my weekend, and I barely could move from the bed, even to the couch, so I lay there miserably and marathoned Kamen Rider AMERICA. IT IS SO GOOD YOU GUYS. SERIOUSLY.</p>
            </blockquote>





	kamen rider AMERICA

**Author's Note:**

> multiple people told me this was a good idea, so here it is: the summary of the kamen rider and captain america fusion that lives in my head.
> 
> i know, i know.

SO OMG YOU GUYS I had like three days off because of this fucking flu thing going around and then I had my weekend, and I barely could move from the bed, even to the couch, so I lay there miserably and marathoned Kamen Rider AMERICA. IT IS SO GOOD YOU GUYS. SERIOUSLY. You would not think a Kamen Rider series about the embodiment of America would be so great, but then again who remembers Den-O. And how Bandai would not let it fucking die. 

OKAY SO I'M GONNA TAKE YOU GUYS DOWN WITH ME and please scuse because I'm still pretty much hacking up a lung or whatever, but Kamen Rider AMERICA (it's always capitalized, because Japan) is last year's Kamen Rider entry. If you've been around here you've heard me explain the basic idea behind Kamen Rider,but if you just came in, basically Kamen Rider has the same themes but wildly different plots every year. Like Kamen Rider Kabuto was about alien invasions and … identity theft??? and Den-O was about …. I don't even remember but multiple personalities or something? Finding yourself? Marrying a sister and brother???? so on and so forth. Kamen Rider Wizard was about powering through awful shit, which 1000000% explains why I didn't watch more than three episodes of that shit, because can you say 'embarrassment squick' yes you can.

okay so i'm not going to talk about different kamen rider series because I can do this for days. ANYWAY like the sentai series that is basically its conjoined twin, Kamen Rider always has the same ideas but entirely different plots. Sentai series are always team based, and Kamen Riders are usually more fighter+backup team and they always have this giant hilariously huge belt and they always yell HENSHIN and they always make this pass with their hand over their crotch that reduces me, even sober, to hilarity and making the cat wake up and scramble away from me like WHAT IS THAT NOISE YOU'RE MAKING????? It's pretty fucking gay is what I'm saying.

Anyway Kamen Rider AMERICA is set in America, or at least a Japanese idea of America, specifically a Brooklyn where… there's a lot of sushi places and also kitsune shrine???? I got nothing. It's like Phoenix Wright where you're nodding slowly like "sure. LA. ….surrrreeeee…..". It doesn't really matter because like most Kamen Rider series literally 78% of the action takes place in abandoned warehouses and quarries or docks, I DON'T EVEN KNOW where they can set off fireworks with impunity or whatever. Cool guys don't pay attention to explosions behind them, is their idea. 

The story opens with Steve Rogers (I will leave the idea of how a tiny dyed blond Japanese dude manages to say "Steve Rogers" to the imagination of the reader) bravely punching bullies in the face, as one does. This dude. He's like, four foot five??? Even for a Japanese idol factory dude he's pretty fucking twinky, guys. Like you know Ohno Satoshi from Arashi? He looks butch next to this kid. He also has super obvious blue contacts and is wearing like twice what he makes in Japanese fashion brands, because why not even though he allegedly lives in a shack above a sushi shop run by … a black guy who speaks Kansai-ben … I'm super torn because the guy who plays Sam Wilson is superhot but on the other hand Japan and black people, this is going to end THE BEST. Anyway Sam Wilson is a sushi genius? I guess? Someone got bored and did a lot of CGI sparkles when he cuts the fish or whatever, and I may have been super high on cough syrup at that point??? Anyway he's always feeding Steve and yelling in Kansai-ben, which, whatever. 

So Steve is like, getting the shit beat out of him and Bucky Barnes -- played by this season's current Cool Guy whose name I cannot remember but I believe has a guy group thing going on somehow.… yes, yes, he and the dude who plays Steve do in fact sing the damn ED. Do not look them up, they are 100000000% fanservice 10000000000% of the time and you probably have shame left unlike me. For instance they totally did a carnival photoshoot that includes photobooth pictures of Dude Who Plays Bucky Barnes laying a big wet one on The Dude Who Plays Steve Rogers' cheek \-- ANYWAY so like Bucky Barnes totally punches these dudes out and lectures Steve and Steve does this hilarious twinky pout thing and insists he had them, and I sat up as best I could and seal-clapped weakly. Then I had to pause and cough like a consumptive heroine for like ten minutes, but I soldiered on. 

What I am trying to say here is that this scene is hilariously heterosexual and you should feel the straightness of these two dudes, because they have never in their lives ever considered anything but manly friendship for each other and ow my lungs hurt when I laugh too hard.

Then it turns out there some sort of war???? going on????? the subtitles were good but I was distracted trying to figure out when they were literally going to kiss, sorry. Exposition, like, Y R U ALWAYS LIKE THIS SUTEEBU???? and suteebu saying he can't bear that Bucky is going to war without him (???? this was the point that I laughed so hard the cat left) and then there was the exposition dude and the OP. The OP is a work of art you should totally download like I literally have never seen so many CGI flags and manly jaws in my life. 

So after the OP Bucky leaves for the war (it's apparently assumed that America is at war with unspecified groups at all times for no reason at all and frankly I can't even argue) and Steve gives him a manly hug (snicker) goodbye. Then he moves slowly off and in case you were as into the dude who plays Bucky as I am, I am sad to report he shows up in flashbacks only for at least thirty eps but at least Steve has one at least once every two eps. I'm telling you, these guys are heterosexual like penguins. 

Steve slumps his way home and gets attacked by …. I'm literally not sure what they're supposed to be since they spent all their money on Steve's contacts and firecrackers so I think those are the Worm costumes from Kabuto but I can't tell. It looks like they dyed them red, so that's something, I guess. They chitter HAIL HYDRA and Steve, who is an idiot, nearly gets himself killed trying to hit them with a garbage can so these tiny kids behind him can escape (yep I 10000000% believe little kindergartners in Brooklyn wear those stereotypical kindergartner smocks and hats from Japan) and is saved only by this super cool chick in … I'm not sure what she's wearing but if I was twenty years old and 100 pounds I would buy every fucking stitch she's wearing. She's got great curls too. She beats the shit out of them, and you can actually sort of see Steve fall in love a little??? because he likes brunettes. You can tell. 

She turns around and looks at him hard, and then she says he ought to go home. He gets mad because …. she's a girl??? no, wait, because he's an idiot, but then he is like BEHIND U and hits a Hail Hydra over the head with the garbage can lid and it does …. something???? and turns into some white dude who then kind of shrinks and …. dies?????? It's not even the weirdest thing I've seen in a Kamen Rider series, dudes. 

Anyway then the girl and Steve stare at each other intently and from behind him this guy says, "Steve Rogers, I've been looking for you." 

Steve turns around. ED starts.

OKAY MORE TOMORROW but I tell you right now that if you thought the OP was gay as hell the ED is basically like the BL version of the Sailor Moon ED where Usagi and Mamoru walk around on water as their past selves and like, cling to each other. The cat is never going to talk to me again. Well, until I give him half this roast turkey out of my sandwich, at least.


End file.
